The pain part 1:
I was convinced that this was as good as it gets
this was all I was worth
a body to be used
a second after thought to kill the time
a body to satisfy the need
I confused being used for lust as being wanted
I was convinced being wanted
was as good as I can get
I was too hard to love
not beautiful enough to be treated right
I was rough around the edges
so no one was gentle
I hid the cries behind a fake smile
convinced myself this is as good as it gets
at least is is for me
I’m not like the others
delicate flowers cared for and adored
I dreamed for more
but life gave me harsh reality
the love I wanted wasn’t for me
It’s okay I told myself
it’s just all good fun
the pain’s not real
stuff it down, don’t let yourself feel
stop hoping for love
it doesn’t exist for you
you don’t fit the mold
or any man’s dream
you’re just a bump in the road
a fling to kill time
keep it moving
no one stays
they’ll move on and find their one
you were just there for fun
your time now is done
your fate has come
nights alone
nights with pain
nights remembering the shame
I was convinced this is my fate
all alone
no one to call my own
no real love because
there’s no love for me
to be continued in part two…
The healing part 2:
Now I realize that I fell for the lie I was fed
my body is my own
not to be used
I deserve time and effort
still hard to love
but worth the work
I’m filled with love
I’m more than just a body
ready to give all of me
but not to just anyone
rather be alone than mistreated or unappreciated
my trust takes time
and is very fragile
I’m a delicate flower with thorns
be careful with me
handle me with care
I’m not for the fragile
or faint of heart
only a man who’s patient, strong, and secure
can handle me
I’m not my mistakes
or the shame of my past
lesson learned
made me wiser
battered heart
made me tougher
I feel everything
the joy and the pain
I grieve what I lost
and hope for what
I might gain
I believe love is for me
but move slowly
carefully cautious
to not repeat history
putting in the work
to heal from the pain
no more people pleasing
I’m doing this for me
before anyone can love me
I need to love me
I let go of my past
finally I’m free!